Written by Aqsa Ghafoor, Psychologist
The Village Commons | North Lakes
All children can experience big emotions. Tantrums, frustration, tearing up and feeling overwhelmed are a normal part of growing up.
But at times, these emotional responses can feel intense or might seem like the child is facing difficulty moving past them. When this happens, it is described as emotional dysregulation.
Put simply this means that the child is finding it difficult to manage emotional responses in a way that the situation demands. It is not at all about the bad behaviour and rather, can portray a nervous system that becomes overwhelmed more easily than it can soothe itself.
For many parents this can feel very confusing, especially when a child is fine in one moment and completely unravelled in the next.
What emotional dysregulation can look like
Emotional dysregulation is not always same for all children. It depends on the child, their age and what’s happening in their surroundings.
For some children they express it through emotional outbursts. For others, they may become quiet and withdraw themselves. Both are very commonly seen as a response of being overwhelmed.
Let’s talk about these:
Intense Emotional Outbursts
Some children might express emotions very intensely and quickly. This can look like
- Sudden screaming, crying or shouting that escalates rapidly and doesn’t stop immediately.
- Collapsing on the floor
- Throwing objects
- Difficulty listening and understanding other people’s perspective
- Not being able to calm down even when help is offered
Parents often express that these reactions came out of nowhere. However, children can get triggered over small things as well, like change in routine or transitioning from one task to another.
In moments like these, the child is not being difficult on purpose, it’s just that their emotional system has been overwhelmed.
Anger or Reactive Behaviour
In other children dysregulation may show up as anger. This can look like
- Arguing or becoming defensive
- Hitting, pushing or kicking when upset
- Reacting strongly by swearing
This is a lot for a parent to take on, but we can try to understand that this is a sign that the child is struggling to express emotions in a regulated way.
Shutting down or withdrawing
Not every reaction is visible, at times children who are overwhelmed may simply shut down. This can look like:
- Becoming quiet
- Emotionally flat
- Avoiding eye contact
- Avoiding any form of communication
- Withdrawing
The parents might think that their child is just disengaged but we also need to understand that this is also a way our nervous system protects itself when things get too much.
Difficulty with transition and Change
Many children who are emotionally dysregulated struggle with transitions and can find this very challenging. This may show up in ways such as
- Difficulty leaving for school
- Becoming distressed when screens are taken away
- Distress when ask to leave a preferred activity
- Strong reactions to change in routines (even the small ones, like using a different pencil)
A pattern that is commonly seen is that of a child who might hold it together for the entire day and when he/she gets home they become emotional suddenly. It is because they feel safe enough to release the stress of the entire day.
Why children can’t always just “Calm Down”
The answer to this lies in the understanding that the child does not choose emotional dysregulation but rather when emotions become too much to handle, the brain’s threat system is activated. The areas of the brain responsible for problem solving and being reasonable become less accessible. This is one of the reasons why children struggle to respond with logic or understand consequences or instructions during these meltdowns.
One strategy we can use is co-regulation. A clam, steady adult that can help them to settle down their nervous system.
How parents can support in the moment
There is no manual for this because every child is different. But what helps the most is the overall tone of connection and the feeling of safety.
You can try:
- Staying calm and steady
- Making communication easy, by acknowledging the child’s feelings
- Communicating at the child’s level
- Refraining from giving instructions during peak distress
- Focus on understanding the child’s emotions instead of solving the problem
The most important thing is for a parent to provide emotional safety that will help the child to settle.
When to seek additional support
Seeking professional support can be helpful when:
- Emotional outbursts are getting more frequent, intense or escalating.
- Child is struggling at school or socially
- Time the child is taking to recover after being upset is increasing
- It is taking a toll on the family’s wellbeing
- Or when you just need some extra support or strategies
Early support can be helpful for children, as they learn to build emotional awareness and develop regulation skills. This can make their daily tasks more manageable.
Final Thoughts
Most importantly! Emotional dysregulation does not reflect poor parenting or bad behaviour. It is a sign that your child is still learning to develop the skills they need to understand emotions.
With consistent support, calm responses and emotional safety, children can learn how to regulate their emotions over time.
For many parents, things slowly begin to settle down, as the child learns to be less reactive and emotionally regulated. Progress happens in small steps.