Written by Simone Louws, Counsellor
The Village Commons | North Lakes
Humans are deeply social beings. We experience some of life’s greatest joys, and also its greatest challenges, in relationship with others – family, friends, colleagues and neighbours.
Relationships can be strengthened in a number of ways. Kindness, courtesy, thoughtfulness, and expressing thanks all help. In moments of conflict, practicing assertive communication can go a long way in preventing painful misunderstandings and the buildup of harmful resentment.
Assertiveness is a tool to help you make your relationships more equal. It is a way of expressing your feelings, wants and needs honestly, while respecting the rights of others.
It is the balance between letting someone know that you disagree with them or that you feel angry, scared or sad on the one hand, and being considerate of their feelings by avoiding unfair criticism, hurtful behaviour, name-calling, or manipulation on the other.
For example, instead of making an accusation (“You always do this!” “You’re so lazy!” etc.), which immediately gets the other person defensive, try an “I” statement.
I feel … (specific emotion)
When … (neutral description of behaviour)
Because … (why it matters to you)
I would prefer … (specific request)
When emotions are high, no amount of carefully chosen words is likely to help, so consider the timing of tricky conversations and try to let big feelings settle so you have the best chance of being heard, and of properly hearing what the other person needs to say too.